she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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