the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
