Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
