The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
