The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
