Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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