So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
