last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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