you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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