jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
