im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
