this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
