You're my little dorito
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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