I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
