ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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