Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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