I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My liver just broke up with me...
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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