I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
