The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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