Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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