Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
