Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
