Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
