Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
