Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
