Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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