You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My vagina just clenched in fear
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
