paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
