I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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