Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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