Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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