i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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