Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
