I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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