The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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