I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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