i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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