1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
