i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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