Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
