Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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