So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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