Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
