im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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