do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
