So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
