He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
