when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
