I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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