One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i now understand why vodka
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
