Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
