my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
