PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
