It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
