So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I need to align my fucking chakras
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
