Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize