why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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