Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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