I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
