im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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