I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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