took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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