I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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