I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
