Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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