Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize