I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
